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If you’re like most people, you probably struggle with relationships on some level.
Perhaps you are a bit too clingy, aloof, or cold.
Maybe you want to develop a deep, meaningful connection, but find yourself pulling away in fear of commitment or abandonment.
You may even find yourself in the same unhealthy relationships over and over again.
Either way, you know deep down something is not quite right and you want more out of love and relationships.
In this article, I wanted to dive into what happens to us on a psychological level, based on how we were raised as children, and how this impacts our relationships as adults.
HOW DOES CHILDHOOD IMPACT OUR ADULT RELAtIONSHIPS?
When we enter the world as sweet little babies, we are basically a blank slate.
We begin to view the world and our relationships with others in concrete ways based on our upbringing.
These early years of a child’s life, especially 0-7 years of age, are critical years for development and significantly impact our attachment styles as adults.
Depending on the emotional intelligence of our parents and how well equipped they were at showing us love and proper care, we begin to form a blueprint for how to interact with others.
Our perception of the world is shaped rather quickly, based on these early childhood experiences.
If our childhood environment was unhealthy, in some form or fashion, we internalize those struggles and carry them with us throughout our lives.
As a result, we often model similar unhealthy behavior patterns in our adult relationships.
One of the ways we see these early childhood learnings play out the most is in our romantic partnerships.
What are the different attachment styles?
In attachment theory, psychologists have identified four different attachment styles that we develop primarily based on how we were raised.
We unconsciously create these varying attachment styles as we absorb the information we receive from our caregivers.
I recently learned about the different attachment styles in a mastermind group, and I thought it would be helpful to share.
Once we become mindful of our tendencies, we can start to bring awareness to the behaviors that negatively impact our lives and partnerships.
You will learn the four different attachment styles and how they influence our relationships.
SECURE ATTACHMENT
The secure attachment style (also known as autonomous attachment style) is the most emotionally well-adjusted of the four.
It is what we all strive for, but many never reach. In this form of attachment, a stable and healthy bond is formed between partners.
Love is given and received on both ends without codependency, fear of abandonment, or jealousy.
The individual who displays secure attachment has a strong sense of self.
He/She welcomes intimacy and vulnerability but is still independent.
Children who are raised in a nurturing, secure, and safe environment have a much easier time displaying secure attachment as adults.
The relationship with their parents revealed strong, healthy bonds, and this childhood experience provided the foundation needed to develop solid relationships as an adult.
Qualities that represent secure attachment include:
Embraces emotions-is not afraid to express or feel emotions, both good and bad.
Shows vulnerability-shares feelings openly and honestly with their partner
Welcomes intimacy-is not fearful of commitment or getting too close to their partner
Emotional control-is well equipped at expressing how they feel without getting lost in their emotions.
A secure and positive childhood contributes to healthy relationships as adults; however, the secure attachment style can be established despite having a troubled upbringing.
Once we are aware of how we were negatively affected as a child, we can begin to rewire the neural pathways in the brain.
Through conscious awareness and consistently changing our default behavior patterns, we can successfully establish a secure attachment style.
ANXIOUS PREOCCUPIED
This attachment style reveals itself through patterns of anxiety and neediness.
The anxious attached person craves the closeness and connection to their partner so much that they become clingy and often inadvertently push them away.
Qualities of the anxious attachment style include:
Craves intimacy-in a desperate and unhealthy way
Jealousy-displays a deep-rooted fear of abandonment
Obsessive-exerts a lot of energy consumed by their partner
Low self-esteem-requires constant reassurance
This attachment style is often a result of not having their needs sufficiently met as a child.
DISMISSIVE AVOIDANT
The dismissive avoidant is the opposite of the anxious preoccupied.
This attachment style represents the overwhelming need for personal space and avoids intimacy and commitment at great lengths.
What’s interesting is an anxious preoccupied, and a dismissive avoidant often end up in a relationship together.
As you might imagine, this lends itself to a very toxic environment.
The dismissive avoidant may seem cool, calm, and collected on the surface, but their fear of intimacy prevents them from going deep and creating strong and healthy relationships.
The more the dismissive avoidant pushes people away, the more lonely and isolated they become.
This becomes a defense mechanism to protect them from being hurt or abandoned. Something they most likely experienced on some level as a child.
Perhaps their parents were too busy, or struggled with addiction or mental illness, and could not care for their needs properly.
FEARFUL AVOIDANT
As if the anxious preoccupied and dismissive avoidant weren’t bad enough on their own, imagine the two had a baby and that is where you would get the fearful avoidant.
The fearful avoidant combines the negative qualities of both the anxious preoccupied and the dismissive avoidant attachment styles.
The fearful avoidant seeks intimacy from others; however, they have a difficult time getting past their emotional barrier and being vulnerable in their relationships.
This is because their past has caused them to fear intimacy and closeness despite wanting and craving it.
This attachment style lends itself to real highs and lows in relationships, as the fearful avoidant oscillates between a strong desire for intimacy and an intense fear of abandonment.
Although our childhood primarily impacts our ability to have secure relationships as adults, it is possible to overcome negative attachment styles and become securely attached.
Our ability to release negative behavior patterns that are no longer serving us starts with conscious awareness.
Take time to reflect on how you were raised and how this has impacted your development and relationships.
If you realize you developed unhealthy patterns in life, identify ways to overcome these limiting beliefs through reading books on behavioral therapy or seeking out a therapist/life coach.
Which attachment style resonates with you the most? Share in the comments.
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